Switched
by 1V0RYB100D
Summary: Roy Mustang and Edward Elric are having one of thir shouting matches again, Talia, an angel that has been watching them for awhile decides it would be a good idea to switch The Alchemist's bodies and lives. What was that angel thinking? Friendship Roy/Ed.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't understand why I must keep repeating this. _ You know how painful it is? Addmiting _I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, or any of the characters in it? _You wanna know? Alright; take a four ton boulder, pick it up, and drop it on your foot. then hit your self on the head, as hard as you can for an hour. When you're done with that, rip out your heart and soak it in lemon juice. Then roll in bread crumbs and bake youself until brown and crispy. Finally, you eat yourself. Untill only your mouth remains. yeah that's right. It's _impossible _to feel the pain I feel when I admit _I DO NOT OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST, OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS IN IT. _**

**I'm sick right now, and feel like... Crap. So I decided to start a new fanfiction! ^3^**

**Warnings: There's A LOT of language that children under the age of 13, REALLY shouldn't be reading. Even though the one who wrote them is younger than that... Hmmm... Moving on; This isn't really all that sirious, in a matter of a fact, you may even laugh. So I don't recommend drinking or eating if you do plan on laughing.**

**Okay! Before I make this A/N as long as the story . It's important to read this; Talia is an angel who just happened to wonder across Roy and Ed fighting one day, and came to listen to the bickering every time Ed came back from one of his Goose chase missions.**

**To the story!**

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><p>Talia frowned, being an angel she hated *eh hem* excuse me, <em>disliked in titanic proportions, <em>when people had arguments. And this, this was more than just an argument! This was… a miniature war.

"_You Son-Of-A-Bitch, bastard, bitch, shitface, smartass, douche bag, dipshit, fucktard, dickwad, cock sucking, mother fucking, asswipe, jackass, cuntface, fucker, jerkwad, bitchface …. BUTT NUGGET! "_

Tears formed in Talia's green eyes, this had to come to end soon! They'd been at it like this for an hour and a half!

"_Oh, such language coming from a _little _boy like you, Butt nugget? That's so _childish, _I think I might have used once when I was in _first grade."

"_**Fuck you, you fucking fuck!" **_

Talia finally burst into tears, she was fed up with all the bad language! She crashed through the window showering Roy Mustang with shards of glass, stopping him from making another witty comeback. "_Stop it! Stop fighting! All you guys ever do is scream and yell at each other, why can't you just stop fighting and try to understand one another?" _

The Fullmetal and The Flame didn't say anything, just stared at the odd, but beautiful girl who had just crashed through the window.

Edward broke the silence, "A-Are you a Mary-Sue, coming to turn our brains and heart to mush with your mystical, _annoying, _powers?

Talia tilted her head in confusion, "Uh, no. I'm not. I'm an angel, here to make you and Roy Mustang switch bodies/Lives so you understand each other better." … "Bye!"

There was a flash of light, and Talia was gone.

First Roy blinked, and then Ed blinked.

Then Roy shrugged, and then Ed shrugged.

"You saw the creepy girl who thought she was an angel too, right Fullmetal?"

"Yeah… I did… … … Well bye colonel Horse Shit! I'm off to go eat as much as I can!"

"Fullmetal, get back here! We still have to discuss your report!"

"I gave you the paper, remember old man?"

"Yes, you gave me your written report, but it's far too _short_ to count for anything."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO TINY HE CAN NEVER MAKE COOKIES BECAUSE HE NEEDS 475 STEP-STOOLS JUST TO REACH THE COUNTER, BUT WHEN HE DOES REACH THE COUNTER IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE HE'S SO SMALL THAT THE COOKIES HE WOULD MAKE WOULD BE MICROSCOPIC!"

"Well, I believe that'd be you."

"…..Bye."

"Fullmetal, get ba-"

"Bye!"

The Flame sighed, "_Come back tomorrow, same time!"_

Ed was already running back to his military dorm to stuff his face will all the food he could find.

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><p><strong>Chapter two will be coming as soon as I.. you know... *cough* Write it.<strong>

**-GrilledPeanutButter (^w^)-(That reminds me of Al...)**


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm doing this quick because I'm tired gosh darnit! And still sick, lol._ I Do Not Own Fullmetal Alchemist Or Any Of the Characters in It._**

**This is kind of just a filler chapter, so you really shouldn't expect it to be good.. At all. ^_^**

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><p>Ed POV<p>

"_Edward Elric! You broke your automail again?" _

"_I'm not the one who made it so brittle that it breaks when the wind blows too hard!"_

"_Ugh! I'm not the one who insists on getting into pointless fights and abusing _my_ automail!"_

"_So now it's _your _automail?"_

"_Yes! I worked really hard on it!"_

"_I paid extra for it!"_

"_Well guess what?"_

"_What?"_

"_Too bad!" _

_**Beep! Beep! **_**Beep! Beep!**

I groaned, waking up from my dream. Honestly not wanting to get up at all.

**Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!**

"God! Can't you just _shut up_?" I slammed my left fist down to press the "Snooze" button on my alarm clock, but instead of feeling the hard surface of the clock my clenched hand merely bounced off of the soft surface of the bed. '_When did my bed get so big? Or maybe I just got smaller…. NONONO! Wait… When did the beds in the dorms get so soft?' _My eyes shot open, light was filtering in through the large window on the wall in room I was currently occupying. I sat up quickly and jumped out of bed.

Then I realized I was naked.

A small yelp escaped my throat when I looked down. No you know what? I screamed fucking bloody murder! My legs… Weren't my legs! They were less muscular, and way paler than they had been previously, not to mention they were completely _covered _in curly black hairs, and my arms; they were in the same state as my legs! My entire body looked… Old!

I grabbed one of the light blue pillows from off the bed to cover my "Man's pride and joy" before running to find the nearest mirror, which was found in the hall right outside the room. What I saw made me want to…. Well it kind of made me want to punch myself, because the face I saw in the mirror was not mine, but Roy Mustangs.

So, being Edward Elric and all (At least _previously _being Edward Elric) I did punch myself in the face, hard.

"Shit! That hurt! I dropped the pillow I had and ran to the bathroom (Which thankfully was just on the right side of the mirror I was standing by.) and grabbed one of the fluffy, white towels that were hanging on the rack and pressed it to my nose.

When my nose finished bleeding I threw the towel on the floor and wiped off the blood on my face, then took a long, hard look in the mirror. "_So, how the Hell did I end up in Roy Mustang's body?' _My (or Mustang's) stomach growled in response and I frowned, "_Well that's not much of an answer is it?" _I sighed, might as well get something to eat, but first… I looked down at my naked body and rushed back into the bedroom. After putting on a pair of comfortable dark grey sweatpants I searched around for a stair-case that would lead me downstairs and hopefully towards a kitchen. "_Alright, this is starting to get frustrating! Why does Colonel Dipshit have to have a freaking mansion?" _

The big man in the sky must have taken pity on me- for once, because I found the kitchen after only 45 minutes of searching.(because that's a completely realistic amount of time) Of course by this time I was _seriously _starving enough to eat my own right arm. Then Mustang could have some automail too, hmmmm….

As I walked over to the cabinets to begin my starved rampage something (that wasn't food) caught my eye.

"What dares to waste my precious feeding time?"

squinting my eyes angrily, I picked up a note that someone had left by a large stack of papers

_Colonel Roy Mustang,_

_These papers will be due at noon today, and will be taken directly to the __Führer,_

_Do Them._

_-Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye._

"…Well then." I shrugged, crumpled up the note, and threw it in the trash. "_now let's see what kinds of things Sir Asswipe keeps in his kitchen." _

I opened a random cabinet and found a box of Fiber One Cereal, good enough. After I inhaled my meal I promptly got bored. Yawning, I looked at the staircase and shrugged, "_Might as well just go back to bed, maybe then I'll wake up from this stupid dream… Or I could just pinch myself" _I stared at my arm. "_Naw, I'd really rather just sleep."_

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><p><strong>Review? <strong>

**Goodnight. ZZZZzzzzzz...**

**-GrilledPeanutButter... **


	3. Chapter 3

**_This chapter took a long time, sorry, but I have three excuses! I'm lazy, I completely forgot I was in the middle of writing a story, and I'm still sick. xD Anyhow, this is my longest chapter like, ever. This one's even worse than the last one though so... Yeah. the next chapter should be better though. Does anyone even read author notes?_**

**_This chapter is not for the innocent minded._**

**_I own Fullmetal Alchemist, I own it so much that I'm on fanfiction writing fanfictions about it. - Don't I own it?_**

**_I don't own it._**

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><p>Roy POV<p>

"_Yes, (Gasp) Roy, right there!" Riza moaned, throwing her head back._

"_(Pant) You like that?) I ignored her nails giving me small gashes on my back. Mintsi (One of the many sexy women on my bedI ) who was currently making out with Yesi,( because it's hot to have lesbians making out on your bed while you're having sex with your suburbanite. ) jumped off my bed and started poking my side._

"_Come on, brother wake up!"_

_I was expecting her to do many things, but not that. I stopped what I was doing with Riza… and stared at Mintsi, "Wha-?"_

"_Hurry up! You're going to be late!"_

Slipping out of my dream, I struggled to remember the details of it, the only things that I remembered were that Riza was in it, and a hot, naked female had made me wake up.

"Finally, you're up!" Al's metallic voice echoed around my room and I jumped out of bed, literally.

"Alphonse! What are you doing in my… Room?" I blinked, this; was not my room. The excuse of a bed I had been laying on was more than twice as small as my bed. I poked it, it was hard and rough, my bed is soft and squishy! What happened to my bed? Wait… "_Is this one of the military dorms? … And did Al double in size overnight? No… Did I shrink a few feet? That's not possible!" _

"Brother? Are you alright?" Al took a step towards me, trying to see if there was an issue.

"No! No, I-I'm fine, really!"

"Brother, are you sure? You sound kind of… Off."

"Yes. I'm alright Alphonse, now uh, get out, I need to get dressed." I gulped, hoping my lie would fool him. "_Wait usually I sleep naked why do I have clothes on? And why do my head and neck feel so warm?"_

Al just stood there for a few seconds, watching me. I gave him a nervous smile and shuffled my feet. The two circles of red light that were his 'eyes' narrowed suspiciously.

"Fine." He left, closing the door slowly behind him.

I let out a sigh of relief when the door shut, still confused about what was going on. I brought my right hand up to my face, the thing I always do when I'm stressed at work or something but instead of feeling the warm flesh on my forehead, a heavy metal object nearly gave me a concussion.

"Owe! What the Hell?" Did I go to sleep wearing a metal glove as well? I don't feelany metal. Actually, I don't feel much of anything. My panic rising, I looked down for the first time. I wasn't wearing metal gloves, my entire _hand_ was metal! So was my arm, all the way up to my shoulder. I ran my finger across the automail, then onto my skin, shivering at the odd sensation.

"_Alright, so somehow, during the night I teleported, lost half my height, got automail, and-_" A flash of bright gold in the upper corner of my left eye distracted me from my thoughts and I spun around.

"Who's there?" No answer. Another flash of gold, nobody was there. Gold again, I looked around; there was nothing gold in the entire room! Where was it?- There it is again! Growling in frustration I continued to run around in circles, kind of like a stupid dog that thought his tail was a toy. Losing my balance I fell over, landing on my butt, legs spread out in front of me. I crossed my arms and pouted before standing up again.

"_Wait, isn't today Tuesday? Shit! I have work today!" _I glanced over at the black alarm clock by the bed, "_It's already noon! I'm late!" _Without a second though I rushed towards the door so fast I forgot to open it and I slammed right into it. Clutching my head, (With my left hand) I twisted the doorknob with my automail hand, at least I tried to. The arm just jerked and flew up into the air, who knew automail was so hard to learn how to use?

Growling I opened the door using my only controllable arm and continued in my wild dash to work, not even thinking about the fact that I had _no _idea where I was.

"Ed! Where are you going?" I stopped sprinting and dramatic screeching noises sounded. '_Ed?' _I looked right then left, then right, and then left again, no Ed. "_What is going on here? I demand to know! If a magic pixie in a mini-skirt doesn't pop out of my ass and explain all of this then I am going to-"_

"Ed?" Al was looking at me expectantly.

"Alphonse? Fullmetal isn't here; I don't know where he is. I don't even know where I am! Or how I got here, or how I got automail, or how I shrank two feet, or how I teleported in the middle of the night, or how that room started flashing gold!" I pulled at the hair on my head, which just happened to be way longer then it had before, and gold. Well that explains the gold I guess. "I also don't understand how my hair changed color and got long while I was having a dream about *ehhem* Making babies with a ton of hot women on my bed!"

Al blinked.

I blinked.

He stared at me.

I stared at him.

Al picked up a phone.

I was confused.

Al started pushing buttons on the phone.

I was still confused.

Al brought the phone up to his '_ear_'

I continued to be confused.

Al waited for the person on the other end of the phone to pick up.

I remained confused.

The readers began to get annoyed at my confusion and threw pokey and couches at the authoress.

Al started talking to the mystery person on the other end of the line.

"Hello? Lieutenant Hawkeye? I'm doing fine thank you, but brother seems to be rather delusional. I don't know, I think he might be sick. Alright see you in ten minutes, what? No, I haven't seen the Colonel. Okay, thank you. Bye."

Al hung up the phone.

My confusion doubled and I fell over due to the large confusion tumor growing on my side.

Al ran over to me and picked me up bridal style, "Alright brother, now I'm going to take you back to bed and you're going to rest alright? The Lieutenant will be here shortly."

"But Alphonse I'm right here, Colonel Roy Mustang! The great Flame Alchemist, that's me!"

The tin can man gently laid me down on the bed and put the covers over me "Really now? Then I think you're short."

"Well I think I'm short now too,"

"I'm sure you do." Alphonse, looking slightly afraid ran out of the room when the doorbell rang.

Then giant goldfish poured from the sky (The roof) and crushed Amestris, (Lying.) so the chapter ended.

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><p><strong>Review my children!<strong>

**... Please?**

**-GrilledPeanutButter**


	4. Author's Note!

**I'm so so so super duper sorry.**

Really, even though it's been so long you wonderful people are still following and leaving wonderful reviews on my fanfictions and I apologize for making you think I had finally written a new chapter. So much has changed in the last year and I've just been preoccupied. I'm in the middle of writing a new Fanfiction and I might start writing this one again soon as well(:

**Thank you** for being awesome and not hating me for this. ;D


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